When Pain Meets Music: How Artists Like The Juans & SB19 Helped Me Heal

There is something special about the way we connect with music. Not that I’m discounting the impact of the other fine arts. I’m a writer myself, so I know the power of words, but music is something altogether different. Maybe it’s because music was never my gift, or maybe it’s something we all feel. Either way, I think it requires finding the artists or genres that you really connect with. I didn’t find that until I was in my 30’s, but it’s been worth every moment since. So, what is it about music that reaches into our lives - sometimes when we need it most?

So, what is it about music that reaches into our lives - sometimes when we need it most?

I started thinking more about this after a TikTok photo post by Carl Guevarra, the keyboardist of The Juans. The Juans are one of those artists I found in my 30s; the ones that changed how I connect with music. I’ve always felt connected with Carl, and his post reminded me why.

"On stage, all they see is the confidence—the way the lights hit just right, the effortless movements, the smiles that never fade. But what they don’t see is everything it took to get here. The long nights of rehearsing until my body ached, the moments of doubt, the nerves just seconds before stepping out. The makeup hiding exhaustion, the outfit chosen to look perfect but barely holding together. They see the show. I feel the weight of everything before it." - Carl Guevarra

Reading it struck me in a way I can’t quite describe, and I had to respond; to somehow make him feel seen. I’m fortunate in that I’ve actually met Carl, and that’s probably why I knew that this raw, vulnerable post demanded a response. But, that wasn’t the only reason. I knew how he felt. I could relate because Carl and I have something in common.

In 2021, Carl opened up about his struggle with Alopecia Areata. It’s an autoimmune disease that affects his hair - causing bald spots. He opened up about it in a Tweet, encouraging the community “be kind to those who are going through it”. It was around this same time that I was diagnosed with my own autoimmune disease, Ulcerative Colitis. While Carl’s immune system attacks his hair follicles - mine goes after my digestive system. Over the past 4 years, I’ve been prescribed steroids and immunomodulators, drugs that turn down the volume on my immune system, at least for now. If I lose control of my disease, it can someday require surgery. Like Carl, I live with the fear that someday I will lose control of my condition - that the medications will stop working. Or maybe that none of them ever will again. I know what it’s like to push myself to exhaustion - a state which comes all too easily. Like Carl, I know what it’s like to hide my exhaustion behind my makeup like a mask.

I feel the weight of everything.

And when I do, I lean into music - just like I am right now. Ache by FELIP plays loud in my speakers, reminding me that “Everything will be all right. All my wounds will find light.” It’s a voice that’s somehow both quietly and loudly reminding me that I will find the other end of my fatigue and brain fog. I listen to Itutulog Na Lang by The Juans, encouraging me to find peace in sleep - in the hopes that tomorrow will be better. PABLO’s Kumunoy and SB19’s Ilaw give words to the thoughts I cannot say out loud. I am wrapped in the embrace of an art that understands me.

I am wrapped in the embrace of an art that understands me

I know I am not alone in the way I feel connected to music. The fandoms of artists are filled with stories that aren’t so different from mine - stories about how artists save their fans. Our connection is a symbiotic one, even when we’re just a face in the crowd. Collectively, we’re bound to the artists we love. Connection is at the core of The Juans’ music, and I’m connected to them in ways they may not even realize. No one truly understands the experience of living with an autoimmune disease the way those of us with one do. These are conditions that are bigger than any symptom you can see. I look forward to the day Carl writes a song about his experiences with alopecia - another anthem for those who thirst for connection.